It Happens to Boys Too (Sexual Abuse, that is)
Carol Teitlebaum, LMFT
Summary:
Our presentation will deal with definitions, the statistics, perpetrators, why boys don't tell, effects, triggers, memories, and treatments for sexual abuse. Three survivors will tell their stories. Audience will learn:
1. Signs to look for
2. Reasons boys don't tell
3. Effects of sexual abuse
4. Healing possibilities
Bio:
Carol Teitlebaum, LMFT, has been a therapist since 1985. One of her specialties is dealing with sexual abuse. She have run many incest survivor groups for women and Courageous Healer group for men for the last five years. As a Conferenc e coordinator she has prod u ced f o u r Conferences for It Happens to Boys with such notable speakers as Robert Ackerman, Dave Pelzer, John Bradshaw, John Lee, John Lieberman, Judy Crane, Jonathan Young, Claudia Black, David Whyte, Julia Cameron, Maureen Murdock. She has been a chairperson of the It happens to boys project with the Prevent Child Abuse Riverside County for five years and a member since 1993. She is President of the Desert Chapter of CAMFT, and Response Team Coordinator.
It Happens to Boys Too Synopsis
In our October IE-CAMFT meeting we had the pleasure of hearing from Carol Teitlebaum, LMFT and three courageous sexual abuse survivors, Randy, Daniel (Danny), and Scott about how “it happens to boys too.” Often when we think of abuse, especially sexual abuse, we think of girls being the victims. Though not as high as girls, the number of boys who are sexually abused is also astonishing.
Carol first educated us about sexual abuse and gave us some interesting statistics; and then we got to hear from the three sexual abuse survivors. So here are some of the shocking statistics:
- · 1 in 4 girls are sexually abused
- · 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused
- · Only 10% of sexual abuse cases are even reported.
- · 90% of sexual abuse victims know their perpetrators
- · 34% of perpetrators are family members
- · Only 7% of perpetrators are strangers to the victims
- · Perpetrators will “groom” their victims for up to 4 years
- · Most sexual abuse happens between the ages of eight and ten years old
While the statistics are shocking and disturbing, it is necessary to know just how prevalent sexual abuse is, especially because of the ongoing, pervasive symptoms and distress it causes in the victims’ lives. The majority of sexual abuse victims suffer ongoing life distress including relationship problems, difficulty with intimacy, difficulty trusting others, depression, rage, and addictions. Hearing from Randy, Danny, and Scott about their abuse, struggles, and recovery process really put these difficulties into perspective so a brief synopsis of their stories follows.
Randy’s story is one that reminds us that just because a family looks like a loving, “picture perfect” family from the outside, does not mean it is. Randy lost his biological father to cancer at about 12 years old. Though Randy’s mother and her boyfriend painted the “picture perfect family” for outsiders, inside the home their family was far from perfect. The picture that outsider’s saw when they viewed Randy’s family was a born-again Christian family, with his mother singing in the church choir and his mom’s “boyfriend being a “good church member.” Inside the home there was a wide variety of abuse including domestic violence, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse and sexual abuse, with Randy’s mother and her boyfriend having sex in front of the kids often. Even with all the abuse, Randy learned to view his mother’s boyfriend as his father figure because every young child needs a father figure. In retrospect, Randy can remember when the “grooming” began. The boyfriend would give him all kinds of presents and material things. Then shortly after his biological father’s death, at the age of 12, the sexual abuse began and continued until the age of 16. Randy was told not to say anything because it was “their secret.” When Randy did decide to talk to people in the community about the abuse no one believed him because everyone saw the “picture perfect family.”
Danny came from a very different family than Randy. Danny describes his family as dysfunctional, full of alcoholism and addiction. However, his abuse did not come from a family member; his perpetrators were his neighbors. The abuse started when Danny was about 5-6 years old and went on for about 1 year. Danny’s neighbors would catch him playing in the neighborhood or walking home from school. Danny remembers the abuse being brutal and pleading for them to stop. Danny never told anyone about the abuse because his perpetrators told him they would kill his family if he said anything. So Danny didn’t say anything…for 35 years. Danny has now been in recovery for 13 years, and it took him 30 years to get those 13 years of recovery.
The third survivor we heard from, Scott, again had a different family and story. Scott was raised by his mom because his dad worked nights and slept during the days. Scott was the youngest of 5 kids, and described his family as loud, rough and tough, just as one would imagine a household with 5 kids would be. As the youngest, Scott was always getting picked on by his older siblings. Scott’s perpetrator was his own older brother, and the abuse began around 8 years old. Scott described his older brother taking him into their parent’s room where it was nice and quiet. Scott didn’t think of it as abuse because it was nice and quiet and he was made to feel useful instead of getting picked on. For Scott, another tough realization came to him not too long ago when he got a call from his niece of the brother who sexually abused him. Scott’s niece was calling him to report that her brother was sexually abusing her. That call made everything really come full circle for Scott because he realized that it runs in his family.
Daniel said it the best when he said that while all these men have different stories, all the emotions are the same. All the survivors we heard from described a life of battling with addictions and having intimate problems with their partners. They suffer from feelings of rage, and some labeled themselves as “rage-a-holics.” All of these men described having strong hatred towards themselves, and having difficulty knowing who they are. They all had to and are still in the process of learning how to love themselves again. And all of the effects described above are described very mildly in general terms. Knowing the pervasive effects that sexual abuse causes to its victims, and how many cases are not reported, it’s important to know what to look for in possible victims. Some (but not all) of the non-verbal signs that are important to look for are:
- · Youth who avoid eye contact
- · Youth with slumped body posture
- · Youth wearing very big, baggy clothes
- · Youth who don’t take showers or take very long showers
- · Cutting
While sexual abuse survivors benefit from individual therapy, all the men we heard from said that group therapy work is what has helped their healing process the most. For youth, play therapy, especially sand tray therapy, has been found to be especially helpful for sexual abuse victims. We would like to thank Carol, Randy, Danny, and Scott again for their unique and educational presentation about how sexual abuse happens to boys too. Hearing from Randy, Danny and Scott about their stories and road to recovery brought a completely different perspective to the topic of sexual abuse against boys. Carol and a handful of male sexual abuse survivors have worked hard to bring awareness to this topic and create more help and support for survivors. For more information and resources about sexual abuse, please visit www.ithappenstoboys.org or call Carol Teitelbaum at (760) 346-4606.